They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
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on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Education is vital
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.