@snmrrw: they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that's a high coup
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@Staggfilms: [exotic fish store] AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
@krisv_723: Enrique:I can be your hero baby Me:I'm good E:I can kiss away your pain Me:Nah E:You can take my breath away Me: *smothers him with pillow
@Jarhead44: Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
@eat_pray_liv: Outkast: Ok now ladies! Me: Yeah??! OK: I wanna see y'all on your baddest behavior! Me: *slowly incurs $18.37 in overdue library fees*
@AndrewNadeau0: WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak- ME: Secretary. WIFE: What? ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake. WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam— ME: Kenny Hissinger.
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