@Marcmywords2: Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
@bacon_gillepic: Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it's an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
@MichaelTrying: Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
@Brianhopecomedy: My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, "You're good to go, woman!" and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
@GaryJanetti: I just found out five people I went to high school with are dead. What's taking the rest of them so long?
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