@Douchekevin: My gf told me to take my phone and stick it where the sun don't shine. So I sent it to Seattle. Women make no sense some days.

@TheFakeCNN: Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues

@ericsshadow: My wife googled "when is it safe to leave a child at home alone" and now she won't let me stay home alone.

@shatty48: Now that I've removed my windshield wipers I shouldn't be getting anymore parking tickets.

@GloriaFallon123: My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she's not my biological offspring