they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
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7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while