they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
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Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
being a writer on Twitter:
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
some cats are just doing for fun!
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood