What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
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Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Every time my phone rings
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
oh my gosh!!
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?