Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
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Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”