good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
You Might Also Like
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
S O O N
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.