You Might Also Like
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack