They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
“The Perfect Relationship”
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”