They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
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Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.