“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
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Where is that goddamn asteroid already
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am