If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
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Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.