@ryangriffiths: Todays stats: My 3yr old got pissed off with me because I couldn't stop the wind.

@MarfSalvador: [my dog poops] man: pick it up! [my dog poops faster]

@FuckabillyRex: I accidentally started this account when I was looking for a banana bread recipe and things have gone horribly wrong.

@DannyZuker: Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named "Steven!"

@QwertyJones3: Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church? "No thanks." Don't judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects... "WHERE DO I SIGN UP?"