@NickAmadeus: I'm so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.

@HallpassCanada: The "Beware of Cat" sign posted outside my house doesn't seem to be having the desired affect.

@NewDadNotes: [after dinner] Mugger: gimme your wallet. Me: may I keep my ID? Mugger: fine. Me: [velcro sound] Mugger: I can’t be seen with that. gimme your shoes instead. Me: [velcro sound] Mugger: you know what never mind.

@captainkalvis: customer: can i get a microwave me: sure *wiggling my pinky* hello

@captainkalvis: DATE her: i just wish our relationship was a little more... spontaneous me (holding a lighter to the table cloth): ive got just the thing