‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
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Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.