@torrami: My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I'm 28 now and I'm still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang :(

@NicestHippo: "So did you get lucky last night?" You better believe it! [flashback to me making all green lights omw home after girl refused to kiss me]

@ADifGuy: Accidentally pushed the premium gas button and now I'm worried my car is high.

@MartaEffing: I hate when I take a nap on a park bench and everyone assumes I homeless. People with houses get tired, too.

@sucittaM: My wife thinks I'm stupid for using Twitter so much. But I think she's stupid for marrying me, so I think we all know who won this argument.