@iwearaonesie: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*

@mattZillaaaa: My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them

@electroskippy: [installing program] Operation Status: 1 min left Me: Yes! Finally! *30 minutes later* Operation Status: 60 mins left Me: Wait. What?

@KeetPotato: [tv commercial] me: "know what i'd love for breakfast?" mum: "what's that son?" me: "if someone pre-chewed my food" narrator: "porridge"

@sbellelauren: pregnancy tests should just read "pregnant" or "nope just fat"