They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
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So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*