They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
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Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…