@SwartyComedy: They'll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that's been open for more than 2 years.
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@SaraThomas84: The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
@GuyThe_Guy: Tonight we're gonna party like its 1999. No seriously, Greg's been in a coma for 14 years. We'll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
@SarcasticAlly12: Dr: do you know why you gained weight? *Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele* Me: no, better run some tests
@hellohappy_time: [at deli] me: I'll take a platonic male friend that doesn't treat me like their manic pixie therapist lady: we have cole slaw me: ok