They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
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Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
i think we should see other cousins
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages