@SwartyComedy: They'll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that's been open for more than 2 years.
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@onlxn: TRUMP: I'm gonna lose, huh? RYAN: Yes. [silence] TRUMP: Thank God. RYAN: I know TRUMP: I'd be SO bad at it RYAN: We literally all might die
@deardilettante: A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they'll blame the host's cooking. Lol.
@midnightwhale: [walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire] it's alright guys i got this one. *whips out a flamethrower* TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
@ProdigyNelson: Doctor: we saved your dad but he's part owl now Son: Dad it's me Dad: *head turned 180°* who Son: very funny Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too