They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
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“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.