They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
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I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!