It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
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Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*