People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
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It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
me adding lol on a serious message
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again