“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
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[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit