Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
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ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
never ask a starfish for directions
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Happy weekend !
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
You deplete me
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t