@DurtMcHurtt: "They're like a sponge at this age" I say to the parents of the baby I'm using to scrub dishes with.
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@nachosarah: the only reason you should be showing me pictures of your kids is if they're missing or you want them to be
@carlyken: [The Twitter Breakdown of 2015] Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
@laabruzzi: *bumpes into my ex on the street *dials a number Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!