They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
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These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Black Friday “markdowns” like
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it