@Ndeshi_M: I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don't have to talk to them.

@MaraWilson: FRIEND: Want to do Escape the Room? ME: Dude like 90% of my life is me trying to figure out how to get out of places I don't want to be

@carlyken: [lawyer whispers to plaintiff] two can play this game "Your honor. Upsexy." Judge: what's upsexy? "that's harassment. move to change venues"

@KKAlThani: I pity those who feel the need to brag about themselves to get people's attention. I hate them more than the scratch on my Lamborghini.

@flashember: [1st Day after wildebeests take over] I'm safe in my house [Day 7] Thought I heard clattering [Day 21] THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES