They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
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I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
emergency phone
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.