@HonestToddler: They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
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@doktorj: "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo."
@GABBYdaAngSaya: Genie: I'll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That's very nice of you
@shkeeber: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: You love me? Cop: Me: Cop: Me: Is it because I'm driving a lawnmower? Cop: Yes. Me: *floors it*
@AndyAsAdjective: The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.