They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
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I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
I’m sorry…what?
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!