@HonestToddler: They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
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@halloweenbears: it really hurt my feelings when you called me a stalker to your friend when you guys thought you were alone in the locker room
@murrman5: *walks in house wearing a large neck brace* oh no, what happened? "my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking"
@OtherDanOBrien: ME: I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here. GUY: I love that song. ME: What song?
@ArfMeasures: ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you