They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
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*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.