@arresteddev: They're upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
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@thenatewolf: Women are so confusing, one day they say they love hummus and then the next day they say it’s a bad birthday present.
@TheBoydP: Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn't that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
@joe_binkley: Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don't even have shoulders Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage