They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
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The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Um … Hot Wings please
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Realize this:
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.