They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
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І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Overindulged this afternoon.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.