thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
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I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry