*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
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I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
not seeing the problem
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good