@imVig: Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?nTeller: well, yes!nn*Teller shot in the head*nThief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?nMe: No. But my wife did!
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@amhw: Coffee: Because when you're groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
@markhoppus: I hooked my fidget spinner up to my vape pen and The Millennials crowned me King of Avocado Toast
@JustDontBugMe: Millennial1: What's a Solar Eclipse? Millennial2: When the moon photobombs the sun.
@Samzen_: Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.