@imVig: Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?nTeller: well, yes!nn*Teller shot in the head*nThief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?nMe: No. But my wife did!
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@StellaRtwot: *phone rings Me: Hello? Telemarketer: Hello how are you today? Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
@TheGoodGodAbove: It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
@vladchoc: Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee's Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you