Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
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I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
We’ve come full circle
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.