Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
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Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you