@KirstenCatClub: Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We're both cute but will kill you.
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@Ygrene: Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant Me: *not sweating* Cop: well shit I don't know how to read this
@Fickle_Filly: Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven't seen for years with the words, "Wow. You've aged badly..."
@TheMichaelRock: Don't be scared of the government shutdown, liquor stores are run by the states.
@Book_Krazy: [arrives at sales meeting with giraffe I bought last month] "Ok, did everyone bring a graph tracking your activity this month?" ME: uh oh
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