Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
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I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.