You Might Also Like
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
catch me on valentine’s day like
This was my dad’s browser history.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.