@itsa_talia: things getting way heated on my picture of flowers #couplestherapy
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@huntigula: *Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers* *his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands* "WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!"
@Dutch_50: I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
@djdarrellripley: Her: My father is very upset that I'm your girlfriend. Me: Well, duh, I'm very upset that you're my girlfriend...
@hazelmotes1: Inspirational Tweet: The journey of 1,000 miles begins with "daaaaad I have to peeeeee"