why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
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there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
B
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Support your local cemetery
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
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me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
secret recipe
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
I am, perchance
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?