Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
You Might Also Like
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?