Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
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If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
I just love that new Pope smell.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools