there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
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Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Me: …
Dog: …
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Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit