The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
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[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
This is why I hate group projects
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
#Caturday
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.