Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
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I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Traveler’s camo
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin