Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
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My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!