Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
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Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
what’s more important?
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
accurate
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.