Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
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When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.