Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
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“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up