[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
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I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.