things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
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RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off