things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
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The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..