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You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*