Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
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Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Goat cheese is for herders.
Go girl power!
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
this is the best interaction on twitter
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.