” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
You Might Also Like
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
a god among men
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”